Ram, Rabbits and Rampant Homosexuals

Another week another strange bundle of questions. We once again help out a member of the gay community, explain how you install ram into a computer and instruct a man how to tell his girlfriend he hates dogs. If you’ve got a question – any question – email us at Understanding Uncles.

q) Hello uncles, I’m a 20 year old homosexual recently dumped by my first and only boyfriend, he left me for a girl. He said it wasn’t me but I can’t help but think I turned him straight, I really don’t what to do, I haven’t really ever been to gay clubs or anything. What should I do? I’m practically rampant with sexual desire. Clive

It’s always tough splitting up with your first true love, whether you be gay or straight, we don’t mind – we are quite supportive of the gay community as you can see from previous posts. We know this sounds clichéd but really it will get easier with time.

What you should do is treat yourself, change yourself in some way – construct a new you. Maybe a new haircut or some new clothes? Make yourself feel good about yourself and if you feel confident you’ll find dating a breeze.

You should convince a couple of your pals to come for a night out with you to a gay club, here you’ll meet all-sorts of people and hopefully find someone you connect with. It’s important to become immersed in the gay community as it’s here you are likely to find new boyfriends. Be comfortable about who you are, you’re probably feeling a bit insecure at the minute but that’ll pass.

As for turning your boyfriend straight don’t be daft, he’s probably been bisexual all along. You both have just come out of your teens and it can be a very confusing time. There must be something special about out for you two to have lasted so long in the first place. Chin up buddy, hang in there.

q) I have a computer problem, I’ve bought some new ram but I don’t how to install it and I don’t want to pay the people in the shop, it’s a massive scam. How do I do it? John

Well John, it’s firstly important for us to point out some safety tips. Firstly leave you computer plugged in, this grounds the computer and so makes it safer for you to poke about inside. Secondly before you start doing so tap a radiator to ground yourself and remove any static electricity which could damage the components.

Okay now you’ve got the cover off, you’re grounded and ready to upgrade! Assuming you’ve got the right sort of ram for your system this is fairly simple. Firstly if you’re replacing ram you’ll need to remove the ram already there. Locate the long thin chips as seen in the photo. Once located there will be two plastic clips on either side, unclip these and gently pull your ram out.

Now to insert ram you make sure the clips are open, gently and evenly push it into place until it’s firmly secured and with a bit of luck the clips should clip themselves back into place. It’s important to push the ram in evenly otherwise one clip could clip and the other couldn’t!

If the ram doesn’t fit don’t force it as it is possible you’ve bought the wrong sort for your system at which point you should consult your motherboard manual to see what slot your system has.

We hope we’ve helped, if you need any more assistance please, get back in tough.

q) My wife has taken in another stray dog – we’ve now got three of the buggers! I’m sick of this, we don’t need anymore pets but the woman’s obsessed. She’s even talking about getting a cat and a rabbit now. I’m sick of bloody animals, makes me want to go fox hunting. How can I tell her that this can’t go on? I’ll just about put up with three dogs but that’s it! James

We at Understanding Uncles love all living creatures but to be honest this is getting out of control! We also are firm believers in honesty and telling your partner how you feel and in this light we think it’s important to let her know that you can’t handle these furry monsters.

Failing truth you could always lie. Maybe sit outside in the cold with no t-shirt for half an hour. This’ll make you ill and you can tell your beloved that you’re allergic to animals! Of course if you’re happy with the three dogs basically you can say “Right love, it’s more dogs or me”. If she chooses the dogs she’s a bit loopy and you don’t want to be with her anyway.

It’s a tough situation and as such there are no easy answers. Ultimatums – their the way to go.

That’s it for now! Email your questions to understanding.uncles@gmail.com .

Goodbye and God bless

Angus & Kev

Buses, Babies and Bloody Cheeky Bobbies

That’s right, it’s Understanding Uncles time. Scared of getting on a bus? Got a kid you haven’t told your girlfriend about? Or maybe you’ve been rudely spoken to by a policeman. We’re hear to help. Send in your questions to Understanding Uncles now!

q) I was involved in a pretty serious bus crash. Ever since I’ve had a rabid phobia of buses, I’m scared of buses. I can’t see the number 5a without breaking into a sweat. I don’t drive so am catching taxi’s everywhere, this is quite expensive. How would you recommend I conquer my fear of buses? Barry

Well Baz, we at Understanding Uncles are no replacement for a qualified therapist, however, we’ll do our best. How about starting off with something a bit easier, like a minibus?

Although we know phobias are rarely based in reason try to bear in mind that a bus is one of the most secure forms of transport on the road. Should a bus crash into a car it isn’t the bus people who’ll die. Bus drivers tend to drive quite slowly and on residential roads, this reduces the risk greatly.

Your crash, we understand, must have been quite traumatic but you can’t allow it to affect your life and ruin your finances. Seek out a therapist, you should be able to get one free on the NHS as your trauma is seriously debilitating your life happiness.

Maybe talk to some bus drivers or do some research to find out statistics for Bus accidents, you’ll find they’re pretty low. Take small steps, maybe a single ticket just five minutes down the road with a friend. We believe in you Barry, you can do this.

q) I’ve just started seeing a girl. This girl is unaware I have a five year old child with another woman and I’m afraid to mention it in case it scares her off. I quite like this girl. She fit AND funny. How do I break the news? Jimmy

We at Understanding Uncles are experts at breaking bad news to the ladies, we do it almost daily when we tell them “Sorry, we’re taken”. May we suggest getting her liquored up?

Take her to a restaurant, the posher the better. Treat her to a fancy meal, get a few glasses of extra-strength chardonnay down her throat and then say “I got something to tell you, I’ve put it off because I like you so much but it’s something you need to know – I have a child”.

Even if she’s very angry she’ll probably not make a scene just because you’re in the middle of an expensive restaurant. To be honest Jimmy this child is a part of your life and any girl who can’t accept your child is just not worth it. We at Understanding Uncles often point out to people that when you’re with someone they need to accept you for who you are and everything that comes with you.

Break it gently, she shouldn’t react too badly at the time but only time can tell if you and her shall make a go of it. Who knows, maybe she’s a good un.

q) I was rudely spoken to by a policeman. I saw a bit of a commotion and thought I’d investigate, make sure everyone was alright – after all I am a trainee doctor. As I approached the officer and said, politely, “What’s happening?” I was rudely told to “Go Away and mind your business!”. What cheek! I could have helped. If anyone died at that accident scene it’s on that mans shoulders. Since this incident I have found myself lacking in confidence, unable to approach people. I considered writing the officer a letter but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. What should I do? Anon.

We sympathise with your position but you must understand the police have quite a difficult job. They’re probably approached by people taking the mick every day so when they’re approached by a genuine medical student who could’ve helped they reacted callously.

This was wrong, but you can’t hold it against them and most importantly you can’t let it dent your self confidence, it was just a concerned policeman concentrating on his job. I mean, you’re a medical student, you lot are meant to be cocky – don’t let your confidence dip over such a minor incident. How would you feel if someone came in during a bout of surgery and asked “What’s happening?”

Exactly. Chill, relax, have a drink. Don’t worry – Be Happy.

That’s it for this week, come back soon for more brilliant answers to your curious questions. Keep those queries coming in! Be happy.

Angus and Kev

Layabouts, Long-Distance Love and a Distinct Lack of Oomph

Hello, welcome to another week of Understanding Uncles. This week saw your favourite lovable blog banned! Excluded! Kicked off Facebook. An utter travesty. Whatever will Facebook do without us? Anyways, some interesting questions this week with two from the ladies and one from a man who can’t get his finger off the trigger, which makes a nice change. If you have a question please don’t hesitate to contact the Understanding Uncles.

q) I was going out with a lad who I met on holiday. He lives a couple of hours away on the train and eventually he broke it off saying he just couldn’t handle the distance. I really miss him, we had told each other we love each other and he’s told me he misses me as well. I don’t know what to do, it’s been a while since I even kissed anyone else because I just can’t stop thinking about my long distance lover. What do I do Uncles? Joan

Basically what you need is clarity. There are a number of things which could be going on in his head, he could be using the distance as an excuse, he could have jealousy issues which make the distance harder for him to handle or he could just genuinely not be up for travelling.

As hard as it may seem you need to confront him, lay your cards on the table. You need to know whether you should move on and get over him or if there’s a chance of reconciliation. There’s no point dawdling around waiting for something which just might not happen.

If he loves you and if the relationship is worth pursuing he will be able to overcome these difficulties and if he can’t then there’s no point pining after him. May we suggest a railcard? Up to a third of prices for a mere £20+ a year. A couple of hours travel on the train, return, rarely costs more than a tenner! Surely your love’s worth more than that.

So, to wrap up, confront him, find out how he really feels and explain your feelings. If he isn’t man enough to take your relationship to the next level then, to be frank me dear, he’s not worth it.

q) Hello Understanding Uncles. I’m a girl and my boyfriends ex keeps sniffing around like the cheeky mare she is. I don’t know if anything’s going on, I like to think I trust him but she seems to always be there, popping up and giving me hassle. I can’t get rid of that nagging feeling. Am I just being insecure? I feel as though if I tell her to bog off it’ll make me look like the bad guy. Jennie

Short of a lie detector test on the Jeremy Kyle show I’m afraid there isn’t much you can do. Confronting your partner may result in him thinking you have little trust in him. Confronting the Ex may result in, as you suspect, you looking like your out to start trouble. These situations are always tricky.

Basically you need to spell out your concerns to your partner without accusing them. They are probably unaware that there is anything bothering you, let alone anything to do with their ex. Ex’s are notorious for stirring up trouble. They like to think they have some power over the past partners and lord some kind of messed up superiority over the current partners of their past partners.

The trick is to not let them win. Think of your partners ex as a terrorist. When you start worrying about terrorists and giving them the time of day that’s when they win. The best thing to do is to not let them get to you. Eventually they just give up and bugger off.

So don’t worry too much, express your concerns to your partner in a mild mannered way and ignore this ex who keeps hanging around like bad smell.

q) I’ve recently got with my first girlfriend. We’re bonking like bunnies but I keep… reaching my “peak” a bit too early – if you know what I mean. How can I have a delayed… er… reaction. Anon.

Number of techniques. Firstly there’s always the condoms which numb your penis. These are available from many brands and are normally called thinks like “Performer” and “Athlete”. That’s a quick and easy way but there’s other methods.

Now there are also some mental techniques. Try counting patterns on your pillows or walls, failing that there’s always reciting, in your mind, the alphabet backwards.

There’s also the stop/start. When you feel your getting close why not, withdraw, and lay some extra love for the lady. There’s such things as finger fun and oral activities which will maximise her pleasure and help delay your climax.

This may seem the most obvious of these techniques but take it slooow. Don’t hurry, no bingo bongo bango. Nice and easy. Like the hair colourant.

That’s all for this week. Join us next week and keep those questions coming in at Understanding Uncles.

Stay safe – Angus and Kev

Join the Fight! Brand New T-Shirt

Following our campaign launch we at Understanding Uncles have launched a t-shirt to go with it. Join the fight, remember Racism, it's for numpties.

Racism is for Numpties T-Shirt
Racism is for Numpties Facebook Group

A Nob-full of Numpties

And we're back! After a brief absence we have returned! Understanding Uncles here to help you. Slightly controversial this week, a woman being used by a man, a man who has fallen into the evil grips of racism and an email that is quite clearly a scam. If you have a question or want to support our "Racism is for Numpties" campaign email us at understanding.uncles@gmail.com

q) dear uncles, i have a problem that i think only you can help me with, i fin
d myself having negative rascist thoughts sometimes even hateful thoughts towards people of the jewish persuasion, i dont understand it, im usually a very loving person and have no problems with people of other religious views, what can i do? please help me its getting very serious i find my self making nasty underhanded comments to co-workers and im starting to see where mel gibson is coming from. yours thankfully Ade .H

Ade it can be easy in this modern world to be suckered into the petty world of racism but it’s important that us moral upstanding citizens take a stand. Racism is for NUMPTIES. Inspired by your letter we here at Understanding Uncles have decided to start our campaign against racism across the world. Join our cause! RACISM IS FOR NUMPTIES!

People of different ethnic background to yourself are just the same, we’re all equal. What does skin colour matter? Nothing, that’s what. At Understanding Uncles our team is made up of people from all walks of life and all skin colours. We can’t solve your own individual issue here but believe us, in our world there’s no need for racism, seek professional help and while your at it try and help others see that, deep down, we’re all the same.

Racism, is for numpties. Join the Facebook Group!

q) Oi, “uncles”. You always get questions from men so how about one from a girl. What the eff is wrong with you boys. I’ve been seeing this guy and he tells me he likes me and often sleeps with me but won’t go out with me? What’s he thinking? Why’s he being a knob? Jen

To be frank, darling, your being used. Dump this time waster – you deserve better! He gives all us good guys a bad name. Why not consult our adverts on the side for help finding Mr. Right. Things to look out for? Someone who is willing to take it slow. This guy you’re with wants one thing and that’s sex. Ditch him.

q) Dear sir/mrs.
I am Mrs Aminata Sheriff an Iraqi Woman, We are a family of three, My husband and one of my sister are dead in the city as a result of the cold war going on in my country. Before the death of my husband , he deposited huge amount of money with a Bank in Burkina Faso where he had wanted us to go and live till the war is over.

Now that my husband is dead ,I need a business partner who can help me to claim and use the fund he deposited in Africa for business purposes any where . I will like you to keep this proposal as a top secret because of the fear that I might be killed if my Government happens to know about this , based on the reason that my late husband was among the Government officials in Iraq. I am away from the city where there no
electricity and telephone communication ,you can only reach me through E-mail.aminata_sher@myway.com

I will be expecting to receive your positive response to my proposal Thanks for your anticipated help

Mrs Aminata Sheriff.

Hey there, “Aminata” if that is your real name. Understanding Uncles understand your plight but are unable to help or participate in your MASSIVE SCAM. Sod off.

That's all for this week. Join us next week, this time without delay, for another batch of your questions. Got a problem? Don't worry, we understand. Understanding Uncles.



Angus & Kev

Grammar, Gays and Goose Grabbing.

It's that time of the week again, your questions on - Understanding Uncles. Bit of a mixed bag this week, a nice polite English Grammar query, a shy homosexual and a masturbating maniac. Luckily we here at Understanding Uncles have the answers. Send in your questions to Understanding.Uncles@gmail.com.

q) Dear uncles, in recent weeks, well honestly months I have developed an unhealthy obsession with masturbating, but not just regular, run of the mill bishop bashing, oh no its much worse, i can only do it over angelina jolie or reese witherspoon! god help me if they ever do a film together, what can i do to get out of this sick depraved hole of bad wrists and stiff tissues? please help. Nick

Avoiding the normal response of “Get a girlfriend” (which we’d also be able to help you with, why not try one of our t-shirts?) there are a few other things we can recommend. Try mixing up your fantasies a bit, if you can only do it with Angelina Jolie or Reese Witherspoon, why not try some people who resemble them. Branch out a bit, slowly.

You have little to worry about, masturbation doesn’t make you go blind or get hairy hands however it is bad for your skin. Skin issues (or should we say tissues) aside masturbation can result in a decreased risk of prostate cancer as described in this BBC News Article.

So to sum up we suggest you go out a bit, get some sun, meet some girls but as far as your night time fun time is concerned, don’t fret too much. Try and cut down and branch out entertainment material but otherwise your as normal as every other man.

q) I have written this sentence in my CV ;

“A flexible and reliable worker who funded his university education working numerous jobs whilst also finding time to complete work experience at various media outlets.”

Word keeps telling me to revise my fragments. Dunno what the fuck that means but I dont want companies opening my cv to find green underlines everywhere, I cant for the life of me re word it so the lines go away. Btw you've spelt embarrassing wrong on the site, might wanna change that. Cheers dud(s);) Jack

Well the reason word is telling you that this is a fragment is because a sentence requires what is known as head word, a subject. What would complete the sentence is a noun such as “I” or “Jack” so that the sentence becomes “I am a flexible…” or “Jack is a flexible…”.

It’s worth pointing out however that fragments, more commonly known as minor sentences, are often used by writers for effect. You shouldn’t worry too much about having a minor sentence in your CV however if those lines are getting your nerves then just add an “I” or “Jack” or likewise and that’ll sort you right out.

q) I think I might be gay, I’m only 17 and I’m scared of what the boys in school will say. I don’t want to be gay but I just don’t like girls. I’m not camp like graham Norton or nowt. Help me please, anonymous

Listen mate, there’s nothing wrong with being gay. If you think your gay then be gay. Any mates who can’t handle this aren’t your mates. Homosexuality is no longer a taboo subject in 21^st century Britain, be loud and be proud. Why can’t a gay man play rugby or football or go to gym? You’re just the same as everyone else except you like blokes. There’s an awful stereotype for gay people that just isn’t the case, don’t let other people put you down. You are what you are.

Look after yourself and why not contact these gay support sites?

- http://www.bgiok.org.uk/

- http://www.stonewall.org.uk/

- http://www.broken-rainbow.org.uk/

Your flag

That's all this week from Understanding Uncles. Keep those questions coming in for the Understanding Uncles Team.

Don't Smoke!
Angus and Kev

Brand New Understanding Uncles Goodies!

Why not visit our shop? Sure to get you the ladies with some hot t-shirts or maybe even a MUG!

Brilliant Stuff.

Understanding Uncles Shop!