Understanding Uncles: Layabouts, Long-Distance Love and a Distinct Lack of Oomph

Hello, welcome to another week of Understanding Uncles. This week saw your favourite lovable blog banned! Excluded! Kicked off Facebook. An utter travesty. Whatever will Facebook do without us? Anyways, some interesting questions this week with two from the ladies and one from a man who can’t get his finger off the trigger, which makes a nice change. If you have a question please don’t hesitate to contact the Understanding Uncles.

q) I was going out with a lad who I met on holiday. He lives a couple of hours away on the train and eventually he broke it off saying he just couldn’t handle the distance. I really miss him, we had told each other we love each other and he’s told me he misses me as well. I don’t know what to do, it’s been a while since I even kissed anyone else because I just can’t stop thinking about my long distance lover. What do I do Uncles? Joan

Basically what you need is clarity. There are a number of things which could be going on in his head, he could be using the distance as an excuse, he could have jealousy issues which make the distance harder for him to handle or he could just genuinely not be up for travelling.

As hard as it may seem you need to confront him, lay your cards on the table. You need to know whether you should move on and get over him or if there’s a chance of reconciliation. There’s no point dawdling around waiting for something which just might not happen.

If he loves you and if the relationship is worth pursuing he will be able to overcome these difficulties and if he can’t then there’s no point pining after him. May we suggest a railcard? Up to a third of prices for a mere £20+ a year. A couple of hours travel on the train, return, rarely costs more than a tenner! Surely your love’s worth more than that.

So, to wrap up, confront him, find out how he really feels and explain your feelings. If he isn’t man enough to take your relationship to the next level then, to be frank me dear, he’s not worth it.

q) Hello Understanding Uncles. I’m a girl and my boyfriends ex keeps sniffing around like the cheeky mare she is. I don’t know if anything’s going on, I like to think I trust him but she seems to always be there, popping up and giving me hassle. I can’t get rid of that nagging feeling. Am I just being insecure? I feel as though if I tell her to bog off it’ll make me look like the bad guy. Jennie

Short of a lie detector test on the Jeremy Kyle show I’m afraid there isn’t much you can do. Confronting your partner may result in him thinking you have little trust in him. Confronting the Ex may result in, as you suspect, you looking like your out to start trouble. These situations are always tricky.

Basically you need to spell out your concerns to your partner without accusing them. They are probably unaware that there is anything bothering you, let alone anything to do with their ex. Ex’s are notorious for stirring up trouble. They like to think they have some power over the past partners and lord some kind of messed up superiority over the current partners of their past partners.

The trick is to not let them win. Think of your partners ex as a terrorist. When you start worrying about terrorists and giving them the time of day that’s when they win. The best thing to do is to not let them get to you. Eventually they just give up and bugger off.

So don’t worry too much, express your concerns to your partner in a mild mannered way and ignore this ex who keeps hanging around like bad smell.

q) I’ve recently got with my first girlfriend. We’re bonking like bunnies but I keep… reaching my “peak” a bit too early – if you know what I mean. How can I have a delayed… er… reaction. Anon.

Number of techniques. Firstly there’s always the condoms which numb your penis. These are available from many brands and are normally called thinks like “Performer” and “Athlete”. That’s a quick and easy way but there’s other methods.

Now there are also some mental techniques. Try counting patterns on your pillows or walls, failing that there’s always reciting, in your mind, the alphabet backwards.

There’s also the stop/start. When you feel your getting close why not, withdraw, and lay some extra love for the lady. There’s such things as finger fun and oral activities which will maximise her pleasure and help delay your climax.

This may seem the most obvious of these techniques but take it slooow. Don’t hurry, no bingo bongo bango. Nice and easy. Like the hair colourant.